onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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