You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
