you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
