I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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