If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
