This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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