I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize