I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
