The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
