the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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