Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
