Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
