Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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