The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
