This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
