I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
