His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
