that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
sarcasm needs its own font
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
