Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
