You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
