I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
