He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this beer tastes like vomit already
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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