There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
