he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
