you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
