Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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