I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
