She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
