Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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