I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
