Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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