My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
