im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
