I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
