i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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