This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
