Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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