and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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