No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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