I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
