Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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