He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
