Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
it's like iHOP with fire
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
