I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
