I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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