I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
