I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
