If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If I had your ass I would rule the world
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize