why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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