We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
