so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
