If i could tip my vagina, i would.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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