i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
