I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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