I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
