I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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