hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
