Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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